Soul-Crushingly Awkward

Tracy Hutchinson
Tracy Hutchinson

The clouds have lost the fight with the sun as I leave the San Marcos sports bar, the last hamlet, and the final kilometers of my Camino. I’m unaware that these will be the longest five kilometers of my Camino because I’ve yet to reconcile with the end.

My legs easily submit to the incline toward yet another chapel of great antiquity, but before I reach it, my peripheral view is taken hostage by an assuming monument to my left. The blue sky, feather-stroked with white luminous clouds, makes the towering structure irresistible.

I approach Monte do Gozo (Hill of Joy), camera-ready, yet two very large people are lunching on a bench, obstructing one of the four sides. I put my camera away and walk around the structure with my eyes set to wide-angle. Beginning at the base, I visually scale its wall to the swirling steel pedestal supporting a three-dimensional glass cross adorned with scallop shells. Built in 1993, it memorializes both Pope John Paul’s last mass given here in 1989, and the 13th century pilgrimage of Saint Francis of Assisi. One Spanish author referred to it as soul-crushingly awful. On one side is a likeness of Saint Francis holding a lifelike basket nearly overflowing with small pilgrim offerings. I add a tiny acorn with a scallop shell and 2012 drawn on it to the collection.

Monte do Gozo
Monte do Gozo

A woman approaches me as if she knows me. She hands me her camera, and in broken English, asks me to take a photo of her against the Gozo. Being a solitary traveller, I always agree. In universal sign language she motions for my camera. The result is me against the Hill of Joy with a carefree smile. Most pictures tell the whole story, but this one conceals that I have no idea how to feel about how I’m feeling.

Tracy at Monte do Gozo + close-up detail
Tracy at Monte do Gozo + close-up detail

I return to the side facing Santiago to find the large woman still on the bench but the large man is pointing out our unified destination to another pilgrim, who thanks him and walks on. I step in closer to see what he saw, just when the man – a big fat jolly angel in disguise – locks on to me and motions for me go to him. I’m compelled as if a toddler walking into my mother’s outstretched arms. He speaks to me in Spanglish as he puts one arm around me and lifts the other toward Santiago. “¿Mirar, there, espiral catedral, see, ?” he asks, pointing over the eucalyptus trees. My eyes follow his arm to the end of his chubby finger to the tallest spire of the cathedral. I break free from his embrace, thank him, and walk away quickly. I conceal myself behind the chapel and lean against the cold gritty wall unable to stop the tears.

“Enough,” I demand aloud, while shaking my head. I adjust my pack for the benefit of any onlookers. I angrily ask myself, “Why are you crying?” and that plugs the dam. I step into the breeze which turns my tears into streams of invisible salty crust.

 
Pilgrim Tracy Hutchinson
U.S.A.
lifecoachonthecamino.blogspot.com
@samuraicoach
Completed first Camino in 2012
 

5 thoughts on “Soul-Crushingly Awkward”

  1. Interesting Monte de Gozo pic…it looks like a Dolmen. I never noticed that when I was there (for about four hours as we waited for all of our 18-person group to arrive so we could walk into Santiago together). Buen Camino indeed!

  2. Oh Tracy,
    Know that you are not alone in your tears. It is very difficult to explain to those who have not done the Camino why we cry when we find ourselves at our first view of the great cathedral.
    The tears are likely just beginning but through it all we rejoice for every moment we spent on that amazing journey that is the Camino.

    The tears are part of the experience and as I wait for my train to take me to Bordeaux to meet with Camino friends and prepare for our departure for our second Camino, I know the tears will flow regularly.
    I wish you a great last few days in Santiago
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us
    Sylvie

    1. Thank you Sylvie,

      I’ve been ‘home’ for 5 months now and have written of the end, (yet so much the beginning) that ushered in new chapters in my life both literally and figuratively. I am touched by your comment…the words of a pilgrim sister! Buen Camino both literally and figuratively!!! Tracy

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