Stretching Beyond My Comfort Zone

In May 2009 I packed my bag and flew to Madrid to join the crew of The Camino Documentary. Nothing could have seemed less plausible to me. Just a few months earlier, I had turned sixty-four, I was not in great physical shape, I did not like to fly long distances, I rarely went on a trip without the companionship of my husband, and I had spent the last year tracking my daughter’s blood counts and diet as she recovered from a serious health issue.

But when co-producer Theresa Tollini told me she was going to Spain to work on a documentary about the people who walk the Camino de Santiago, and she would like my support, I immediately said “Yes!”

My daughter was healthy and planning a June wedding, and I was eager to go on with my life. But I carried the stress from the prior months of worrying and watching and I couldn’t turn the corner to my own new beginning. I had an insight that the Camino would lead me back to myself. Little did I know that the greatest lesson I would learn from the Camino was the blessing that comes from being uncomfortable.

I had expected to help in any way I could, especially interviewing participants, a role I had played in two other documentary films. But assisting the producers of a film like The Camino Documentary meant being ready to do whatever is needed – finding places to eat, keeping track of pilgrims, carrying equipment, taking notes, handling money, washing dishes, buying sweatshirts when the weather became unexpectedly cold and a thousand other tasks, big and small. And the truth is, I was in an unfamiliar place, didn’t know Spanish, and had never worked on an international film crew before. I was used to being a competent therapist and writer with a successful career. I was not used to being a beginner, and I often felt very insecure—Which restaurant would suit a crew of people from several different countries? How do I find my way back to the film location? This pack is too heavy. I am too slow.

The experience was humbling and profound. You can stay in your familiar environment where you feel in control but that is not where you grow and savor life. I was not always comfortable during the three weeks I spent with the film crew, but I felt tenderly alive, vulnerable in a way I was not accustomed to. Maybe that is what the Zen Buddhists mean by Beginner’s Mind.

I remember a day when the fog rolled in near the top of the Pyrenees and the world around me felt still and peaceful. I remember a day when the film crew walked on ahead with the pilgrim they were filming, and I let myself fall behind and walk by myself for hours. The layers of tension and worry fell away as I watched the tall grasses blow in the breeze and felt the solid earth beneath my feet. The days of walking and sharing loosened tight places in me and made me feel fresh and alive.

When I returned to California, I discovered that my heart had opened and I looked at all aspects of my life as a pilgrimage. My daughter and her husband got married a few weeks later in a beautiful garden overlooking the Santa Ynez mountains, and as they walked back down the path hand in hand, I silently whispered to them, “Buen Camino.”